Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth…put out my hand, and touched the face of God

I simply had to share the altered poem below. It was posted with the following notes to bring it in to compliance with current FAA guidelines.
 
 
Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth(1),
And danced(2) the skies on laughter silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed(3) and joined the tumbling mirth(4)
Of sun-split clouds(5) and done a hundred things(6)
You have not dreamed of -- Wheeled and soared and swung(7)
High in the sunlit silence(8). Hov'ring there(9)
I've chased the shouting wind(10) along and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.(11)
Up, up the long delirious(12), burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights(13) with easy grace,
Where never lark, or even eagle(14) flew;
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space(15),
Put out my hand(16), and touched the face of God.

NOTES:

1. Pilots must insure that all surly bonds have been slipped entirely before aircraft taxi or flight is attempted.

2. During periods of severe sky dancing, crew and passengers must keep seat belts fastened. Crew should wear shoulder belts as provided.

3. Sunward climbs must not exceed the maximum permitted aircraft ceiling.

4. Passenger aircraft are prohibited from joining the tumbling mirth.

5. Pilots flying through sun-split clouds under VFR conditions must comply with all applicable minimum clearances.

6. Do not perform these hundred things in front of Federal Aviation Administration inspectors.

7. Wheeling, soaring, and swinging will not be attempted except in aircraft rated for such activities and within utility class weight limits.

8. Be advised that sunlit silence will occur only when a major engine malfunction has occurred.

9. "Hov'ring there" will constitute a highly reliable signal that a flight emergency is imminent.

10. Forecasts of shouting winds are available from the local FSS. Encounters with unexpected shouting winds should be reported by pilots.

11. Pilots flinging eager craft through footless halls of air are reminded that they alone are responsible for maintaining separation from other eager craft.

12. Should any crew member or passenger experience delirium while in the burning blue, submit an irregularity report upon flight termination.

13. Windswept heights will be topped by a minimum of 1,000 feet to maintain VFR minimum separations.

14. Aircraft engine ingestion of, or impact with, larks or eagles should be reported to the FAA and the appropriate aircraft maintenance facility.

15. Aircraft operating in the high untresspassed sanctity of space must remain in IFR flight regardless of meteorological conditions and visibility.

16. Pilots and passengers are reminded that opening doors or windows in order to touch the face of God may result in loss of cabin pressure.

Monday, January 13, 2014

A Sarcastic View of Pattern Flying

Why is it that student pilots are being taught to fly traffic patterns that would be too large for even a Boeing 777? AVweb's Paul Bertorelli explores the question in this not-so-gentle but humorous video. 
Viewer discretion advised.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Aviation Humor

I know that these are posted in various places around the net but this is the best list that I've seen so far and just had to re-post it here.

Enjoy!

Aircraft Service Requests and Responses

Problem as Reported: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Service Response: Evidence removed.

Problem as Reported: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Service Response: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem as Reported: Main tire on left inside almost needs replacement.
Service Response: Left inside tire almost replaced.

Problem as Reported: No. 3 engine missing.
Service Response: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem as Reported: Mouse in cockpit.
Service Response: Cat installed.

Problem as Reported: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Service Response: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Problem as Reported: Something loose in cockpit.
Service Response: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem as Reported: Dead bugs on windshield.
Service Response: Live bugs on back-order.

Problem as Reported: Aircraft acting funny.
Service Response: Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, fly right, and be serious."

Problem as Reported: IFF inoperative.
Service Response: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem as Reported: No. 2 ADF needle runs wild.
Service Response: Caught and tamed No. 2 ADF needle.

Problem as Reported: Suspected crack in windshield.
Service Response: Suspect you're right.

Problem as Reported: Three roaches in cabin.
Service Response: Two roaches killed, one wounded and missing in action.
Problem as Reported: Radar hums.
Service Response: Reprogrammed radar with words.

Problem as Reported: The autopilot doesn't.
Service Response: It does now.

Problem as Reported: Pilot's clock inoperative.
Service Response: Wound clock.

Problem as Reported: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
Service Response: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem as Reported: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Service Response: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

Problem as Reported: Unfamiliar noise coming from No. 2 engine.
Service Response: Ran engine for two hours. Noise now familiar.

Problem as Reported: Noise coming from No. 2 engine. Sounds like a man with a little hammer.
Service Response: Took little hammer away from man in No. 2 engine.

Problem as Reported: Whinney noise coming from No. 2 engine compartment.
Service Response: Returned little hammer to man in No. 2 engine.

Problem as Reported: Weather radar went ape.
Service Response: Opened radar, let ape out.

Problem as Reported: Whinning sound heard on engine shutdown.
Service Response: Pilot removed from aircraft.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

TSA screeners at their best

This little video tells us a lot about the TSA and how they feel about those of us that fly commercial airlines.
Remember this video the next time you are subjected to a search at a TSA check point!
WARNING!!!
Foul language!


Sunday, January 13, 2008

Aviation Quotes

Here are a few aviation related quoes, please feel free to add to the list by sending me a comment or two.

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil.For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter ... and therefore, unsafe."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
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"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up ... the pilot dies."
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"Never trade luck for skill."
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh Sh*t!"
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"Airspeed, altitude and brains --At least two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
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"The Piper Cub is t he safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes fullpower to taxi to the terminal."
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)




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